I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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