checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
