I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
