she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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