i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
