so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
