Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
