when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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