Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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