dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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