you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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