Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize