Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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