Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
