I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
