I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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