Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
