All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
