Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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