True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
