I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
