The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Nicole vs. Life
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
