we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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