Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
