yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
