Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My life is pants optional.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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