BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
