dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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