I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
