I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
