Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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