OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
