I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
