I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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