My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
