for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
