Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
