I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
