maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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