Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
