If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
