Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
