3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
