remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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