My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
