dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and she was petting her beer can
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
