You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
