I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
