hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
