My underwear smells like fireworks.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Boobs speak an international language.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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