I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
