you guys were way drunker than both of me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
