Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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