i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
