I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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