so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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