There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize