Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
