Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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