it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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