Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
