did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
it's like heaven, but drunker
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
