You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
