I faked an abortion last night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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